I Guess I Blinked…

24 Jul

So, it’s been a while since my last post. I would be surprised if people even remember that I write this blog. I began it as a way to keep writing and sometimes, on a very good day, the clouds would part and I would say something that meant a lot to someone else.

Then I stopped.

The truth is – I stopped a lot of things. I stopped writing about anything that mattered to me. I stopped working at a job I had for 10 years and a few months after that I stopped being married. In a matter of 5 months the two longest relationships of my life – both merely weeks a part in duration – were gone. If you are looking for the who, what, where, when, why – you can stop reading. You won’t find it here. If you know me, and are looking back at something insensitive or stupid my ex or I said thinking you predicted the unraveling of my marriage you can stop reading. You don’t know shit anyway. If you are reading this to feel superior on your throne and thinking it won’t ever happen to you, you can stop reading too. Truth is – you know even less than the fortune-tellers.

So, who is left?

Me.

I guess I blinked and missed the giant tsunami aiming for my head. I stopped trying to run and check. Stopped trying to stay ahead of the game. It’s an interesting thing when you stop. Either everything else stops because you were the only one moving forward or the machine keeps on moving, making you realize that you weren’t as important as you thought.

But the funny thing about stopping is that sooner or later you have to start again. So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll throw on my party hat and celebrate a very merry unbirthday to me.

The tasks I juggle may change. The balls in the air may multiply. I may never be the same again. But maybe that will end up being the most interesting thing about me after all. Besides, I really do like tea.

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To Guilt or Not to Guilt?

25 Oct

Motherhood is the new Catholic. We all feel guilty and often ask forgiveness through the consumption of wine. But as a very wise woman once told me, “if you don’t think you’re good enough, maybe you should let Jesus get off the cross for a while and get up there yourself.” Did I mention that I adore this woman? She has come to me during a time that I need guidance and done it with a crazy amount of humor.

Mothers are born to worry. We worry that our decisions will have unforeseen repercussions. Sometimes we know what the repercussions will be and hope that we have the strength and grace to deal with it. When our baby is first born, most of us are consumed with being “Mom”. Admit it, even on date night (if you were lucky enough to go on one), you spoke about your baby.

Sooner or later the part of you that got stuck in the back of the closet pokes its head out and asks, “Psst—remember me? Is it time to come out yet?” You may look her in the eye and not recognize her. How can that person possibly come back out when you have been permanently changed? Will you let her whither up and die? Or perhaps, you may need to get reacquainted. All relationships go through change. Why not the most important one—the one you have with yourself? But that takes work and time too. Decisions, decisions…What will you do?

And the guilt sets in.

You either feel guilty for ignoring your needs as an individual or you feel guilty for occasionally putting yourself first. It doesn’t matter what you choose because you will always wonder if there is a better way.

In a recent article in Working Mother, a handful of moms spoke about the drawbacks of being a stay-at-home mom vs. those of a working mom. Guess what? We aren’t so different from each other. It stated that “48 percent of working mothers and 42 percent of those at home say they feel guilty about not taking care of themselves.”

We need to recognize and appreciate what we bring to the table and stop comparing ourselves to others. So now, let me ask you again. Are you doing an okay job being you?

Because let’s face it. NOBODY has as much sex as Cosmo seems to think. I mean seriously – who has the time? And if you do – no need to make me feel bad about it. We’re not comparing, remember? Sheesh. *Cough Nympho*

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

What worked this week…

Finally uploaded the IPod I won a couple months ago. I love
rediscovering my female empowerment through Pink and Lady Gaga. Seriously, try it some time. You can turn on Debussy and feel like a grown up later, I promise.

Monkey wrench…

I forgot the grown up part and slept through my alarm…making my daughter an hour late for school. She asked if she was going to get into trouble and, I must say, she looked a little too smug when I explained that I was the one in trouble.

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Is it too Early for a Mid-life Crisis?

16 Oct

If I lived in the world prior to digital clocks, I would hear the clock striking 3 AM. I can’t sleep again. My subconscious keeps hitting me over the head at the same time two or three times a week. I’m not terribly surprised—just frustrated. How does one get to the point where something they used to love dearly, suddenly feels like it’s suffocating the life out them? How does that happen? What line did I not realize I had crossed?

If I’m having a mid-life crisis now, does it mean that I’ll be dead at 72? I haven’t done half of the things I had dreamed about doing.

One of the things children do for you is mark time. One morning you wake up with an adorable infant, blink at lunchtime and suddenly hear your petulant teenager slam their bedroom door at dinner. You feel the same inside and can even fool yourself in front of the mirror. However, seeing your children change and grow in front of your eyes will not be ignored. Where had the time gone? Did I mean for it to pass in a series of board meetings, PTA events and sitting in traffic?

No, of course not. So now the question remains…what am I going to do about? Am I brave enough?

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

What worked this week…

I actually had someone come in and completely organize my pantry with Tupperware. The upside is that it’s insanely clean and tidy. I feel in control again.

Monkey wrench…

My mother was right. I have no food.

Surprise! It’s You in the Box!

20 Jul

So, it’s no secret that I’m juggling a lot. When you’re a working Mom, something has to give. As you’re obviously not going to throw your child in the freezer with the hopes that they’ll “keep”, than sometimes it’s the creative side that has to go into a coma. You know – only the little hobby that feeds the soul. My head has been kept down and I’ve worked hard at the To Do List – in and out of the office. I haven’t had time to take my daughter to the park or go on a hike with my husband. Except, that’s not keeping with the mission of this blog. You know, the blog that I haven’t written in nearly a month. I had forgotten that I was trying to have it all!

As I prostrated myself at the Alter of Drudge, my computer beeped to let me know I had an email waiting. Expecting to get approval from my priest, I was surprised to find a note informing me that I won a writing contest on Best Life Advice from Executive Life Coach, Dr.Stephanie Somanchi.  It made my day on many levels. For one – I never win anything. Second, I won an IPod. I’ve never owned one and I finally feel that I’m hip and cool. Though I will refuse to go through life with earphones surgically implanted in my head, not engaging with my fellow-man. Third, and most important, I actually got to take my own forgotten advice as if I was a stranger at a coffee shop. Revisiting my contest entry, I was a little surprised at myself. I remembered writing it with my sister in mind. But looking back, I see it was for me all along. Of course if my sister took the advice as well, I wouldn’t mind. (HINT, HINT)

Oh my advice? “I Will Be Happy When…”

Oprah – the Friend I Never Knew I Always Had

27 May

I admit it. I cried like a baby over the last two or three shows of Oprah. I was never really an avid viewer – mostly because I either forgot that it was on, worked full-time or just didn’t “get it”. But this year I watched. First out of curiosity and second because I connected with the divine Miss. O. She was unafraid to live her life as an open book and share her terrible secrets and embarrassing moments. Much like the lessons of Siddhartha, every step she took lead her to the path that she was on. All parts made up the whole – the good and the bad. She was ashamed of nothing because destiny called and she eagerly answered. It wasn’t an easy road. It wasn’t always a fun road. But it was the most rewarding road.

Her last two shows got me thinking about my journey. Was I living an authentic life? Had destiny called and I failed to pick-up? Sometimes I worry I missed the boat. However, I know one thing. When I look at my daughter, I know I am meant to be her mother. It isn’t always an easy road. But it’s my road.

If you didn’t get to see Oprah yesterday, I will share her top 5 lessons:

  1. Everybody has a calling in life and our real job is to figure out what it is and get to the business of doing it.
  2. Take responsibility for the energy you bring into any space. You only have power and control over you.
  3. We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel worthy enough. We all seek validation. Everyone wants to know: Do you see me? Does what I say mean anything to you? Everyone wants to be heard.
  4. Don’t wait for somebody to complete you. Only YOU complete YOU.
  5. Wait and listen to a guidance higher than your own meager mind.

Just like the rest of the world that was watching…I just KNEW she was speaking to me.

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

What worked this week…

My daughter recently had the flu. For an entire day, she’d get off her little perch on the couch to throw up. This was the first time she had ever been sick like this and it really scared her. So the day was wonderfully balanced between hearing her vomit and then scream bloody murder. Right now you’re wondering what could have worked for me on this day. Well, I learned from the Advice Nurse that I don’t need to buy expensive anti-vomiting medication. My first thought was, ”wait—what? I could have gone out and bought anti-vomit meds? Doh!” Rather than spending the money – or if you don’t want to drag a sick kid into your car to go to the store, you can:

  • Open a can of peaches or fruit cocktail
  • Administer 1 teaspoon of the juice every 15 minutes for 1 hour.
  • If sick person has kept down the sugar juice, than start with a sip of clear liquid for the first hour and work up from there.

Monkey wrench…

God’s honest truth…as I was writing this post, my husband called to tell me he threw up while driving home from work. Good thing we just went to Costco last weekend and purchased peaches.

I Used to Smoke, Drink and Dance the Hoochy-coo

10 May

I recently became a “Fan” of Mom’s that Drink and Swear on Facebook and couldn’t help but reflect on why I was hitting the “like” button. It isn’t as if I planned on getting drunk in front of my kid or telling her to “Go the F to Sleep so Mommy can get her groove on.” I also doubt that’s why the page was created. So why?

It’s just so easy to forget that we are more than the labels that we choose to wear on our sleeve: Mom, Wife, Colleague. Or one step further: Working Mom, Stay at Home Mom. Sometimes it’s nice to know that we don’t have to be a model thin mother with a picture perfect life. Life doesn’t work that way. It’s perfect because we have it….and that’s about it. There is nothing else that could possibly be tagged as perfect and the sooner that we realize everyone else has various elements of their life that fall short, the sooner we will stop trying to make everything so picture perfect.

Don’t get me wrong—I will have to revisit this blog and as a reminder more than once. Or I will just go outside and yell the F word while downing a bottle of Pinot – depends on the day and if I’m getting along with my neighbors or not.

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

What worked this week…

Work is in high gear and my daughter usually notices enough to want more attention than normal. It’s a balancing act that is exhausting. However, I made the time to go to a college reunion and visit with long-lost friends and old haunts. In short – it was a blast. It also reminded me that I am more than the day-to-day drudgery that life often hands me and that some people will always be your friends – no matter how much time has passed, weight you’ve gained, marriages and divorces that have happened and of course the wonderful children that come into the picture. So this is my tip to you today:

Get Yourself Some Girlfriends

Young and newly married, I relaxed under a pecan tree on a hot summer day, drinking iced tea and getting
to know my new sister-in-law, Estelle. Not much older than I, but already the mother of three, Estelle seemed to me experienced and wise.  

“Get yourself some girlfriends” she advised, clinking the ice cubes in her glass. “You are going to need girlfriends.
Go places with them; do things with them.” 

What a funny piece of advice, I thought. Hadn’t I just gotten married? Hadn’t I just joined the couple-world?
I was a married woman, for goodness sake, not a young girl who needed girlfriends.  

But I listened to this new sister-in-law. I got myself some girlfriends. As the years tumbled by, one after another,
I gradually came to understand that Estelle knew what she was talking about. I remembered that she had said the word
“girlfriends” with emphasis.

As I went along, I discovered the subtle difference between friends and girlfriends.  

You go to work with friends, go to dinner with friends, go to church with friends, belong to clubs with friends.
You send friends greeting cards.

You need friends in your life; all girlfriends were once only friends.   But a girlfriend is different.
I offer this praise of girlfriends.  

Here is what I know about girlfriends:   Girlfriends don’t compete. Girlfriends bring casseroles and scrub
your bathroom when you are sick. Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets.

Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it, sometimes you don’t. Girlfriends don’t always
tell you that you’re right, but they’re always honest.

Girlfriends still love you, even when they don’t agree with your choices. Girlfriends might send you a birthday card,
but they might not. It does not matter in the least.

Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don’t need canned jokes to start the laughter. Girlfriends pull you out of jams.

Girlfriends don’t keep a calendar that lets them know who hosted the other last. Girlfriends will give a party
for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby in whichever order that comes!

And girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and truly, when the hard times come. Girlfriends listen when you lose
a job or a husband. Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.

Girlfriends listen when your parents’ minds and bodies fail.   My girlfriends bless my life. Once we were young,
with no idea of the incredible joys or the incredible sorrows that lay ahead.

It makes all the difference.

 

It’s All in the Look…

16 Apr

There is a moment in the movie Dream Girls that makes me cry like a baby every time I see it. Those that have seen it are probably thinking of any number of scenes. However, the one that means a lot to me goes so quickly that if you don’t have a child or a complicated relationship with your mother, you may miss it.

The moment is during Efie’s come back song, “One Night Only”. Her singing is panning over various images of her gaining her confidence and trust back. This is something that a lot of people can relate to. Many of us have lost trust in other people, which led to losing belief in ourselves – mostly because we secretly believed what they said was true or that we deserved what they did. However, it’s the moment Efie makes eye contact with her daughter when she’s playing the record in their living room that says the  most to me.

“I didn’t always feel broken.”

“I knew my mother was brave.”

“I believed in my dreams once and I don’t want you to ever forget yours.”

“I want to be just like her.”

“I want to be the person you see in me.”

“I’m proud of you. I love you.”

It is a moment made for a women’s soul. It is redemption.

I don’t know how my daughter views me. It will change many times and be colored by the expectations she has for her own life and how I am in that moment. Either way, I’m sure I will be surprised. Sometimes it will mean more to me. Just like a moment I had recently. I had plummeted into a bit of depression and was having a difficult time getting out. She didn’t know I had recently been crying, but somehow she knew what to say. It was over dinner when she suddenly said, “Mom, you’re my hero. You’re the best mom there is.” I’m not even sure she looked up from eating her vegetable.

And that is why that single unforgettable look that says more than any one could ever put into words means so much to me.

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

 What worked this week…

I recently got hooked on Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog GOOP. Check it out!

Monkey wrench…

Did you know the word intrical doesn’t exist? I wanted to know how to spell it and realized that I had sounded like a moron for a few years. So anytime you are about to say intrical – say integral instead.

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Me Unplugged

5 Apr

I recently went through a computer switcheroo at work and it’s had a few glitches. Nothing terrible or unexpected, but I was unable to work from home for a week. It wasn’t too bad because I had my Blackberry. Verizon then decided to send me two large updates while I was driving to the coast for a mini-break and fried its poor little innards into sunny-side up. Literally speaking – it got as hot as my curling iron, zapped the battery and never turned on again. In their corporate guilt, Verizon agreed to send me a new phone (or perhaps I purchased a full warranty – wink wink). However, in the meantime, circumstances forced me to unplug and live off the grid for a week.

I learned something about myself during that week. I am an addict. When something funny happened, I instinctively thought to put it on my status for Facebook. When I became bored, my trigger finger itched to find out other people’s status updates. When I had a moment of clarity I wanted to check my work  email. And then something wonderful happened…I forgot about it and just enjoyed my days at the beach with my daughter. I no longer thought in status updates or had bits of my To Do List flash before my eyes. People were no longer able to find me at any given moment. I was fully present with my daughter.

I need to have more moments when I am present where I am in the real world and just let the virtual world slide on by for a while.

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

 What worked this week…

I survived  birthday gate! The skating party was as success and all of them came. What’s my secret? Have a sister that wants to take over. I only had to keep track of them all on the rink.

Monkey wrench…

I say only, but it took every ounce of my concentration and an adult beverage after the party to calm my nerves. Word of advice if you ever have a skating party for your child: Have more than you out there and introduce the children to the adults helping you. My mother helped, except the kids wouldn’t listen to her because they didn’t know who she was. It was hard being annoyed when all they’re doing is not talking to strangers.

Birthday-Gate

23 Mar

For an event planner, I have a bit of a fear of planning my daughter’s birthday parties. It’s mostly because I know they mean so much to her and I’m afraid I’ll screw up (this is only her second one with kids from school, but she talked about it all year-long). There is also ALWAYS drama. Either someone didn’t get invited to a party, the parents were busy, etc. Talk always happens at school and somebody’s feelings are always hurt. I hated it when I was in school and I hate it now. Hate, hate, hate.

This year Short Stuff turns 5 and she’s only been at the new school for three months. I decided to have a small group of 8, two of which were from her new class – one of which I didn’t send until today. I was completely relaxed about it though until this evening. We received an invitation from another girl in her class for the same day. I am now having heart palpitations about what will happen when Short Stuff finds out. Will the two that she invited go to her party? Will all the other girls be talking about the “other” party and suddenly Short Stuff’s party will be the big lame thing the people HAVE to go to because their Mom said yes before the other party invitation came? Will Short Stuff be upset that she can’t go to the other party and not even want her party now?

What about you Mom’s out there? Anyone go through this before?

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

 What worked this week…

It’s Spring Break and we are off on a mother-daughter trip tomorrow. Oh – and I won the duvet I wanted on Ebay.

Monkey wrench…

I found out the duvet was discounted 50% off at Macy’s on the same day I won it. It was still a little cheaper on Ebay, but there is a certain comfort level with the department store. We’ll see…

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For Better or Worse in Friendship and Marriage

15 Mar

I’m not all that good with first impressions. In fact, more than one friend has looked at me over a wine induced conversation to confide that they didn’t like me when they first met me. I’m used to it and it honestly makes me laugh. Every single one of them sounds shocked that they’re my friend. Of course they don’t know that I’m laughing because it’s the third or sixth time this has happened (or some variation of it).

This is the thing – for someone who writes a blog that divulges personal facts…I’m actually quite private in person. Most of the people in my office learned that my husband has M.S. the same way the world did…via Mamapedia or this blog (I learned he had it one week before my first day of work…nearly nine years ago). I’m not good at making friends and I’m not someone who is going to remember your birthday (well, pre-Facebook anyway). I will show up at the hospital, a funeral, baby christenings and of course any wedding that has an open bar. But what I’m really known for? I will send you copies of articles that pertained to a conversation we had, links to products that I know you’d like or advice you didn’t ask for that usually involves an embarrassing story about myself so you don’t have to experience it too (kind of like this blog). It’s my way (it’s a family trait).

My point? Friends are important – especially when you’re married with family. Whether we talk every day, once a year or meet for coffee every other month – I value my friends. I won’t be there every day, but I will be there when you need me. I never really thought about it until my husband recently came out of remission. 

A good friend of mine once told me that she lost half her friends when she found out her daughter had a brain tumor. People didn’t know what to say and, in desperation not to say the wrong thing, they didn’t say anything. (We already know you’re glad it’s not you – we don’t hold it against you, trust us).

It’s an awkward moment explaining to a new friend that your husband has M.S. Nobody likes being Debbie Downer at a dinner party nor do you want to lie if a question comes up at the wrong time. You just don’t know how people will react. Suddenly you aren’t part of the picture perfect friends that someone else created in their head or they just feel weird around you. Suddenly, three weeks have passed and four and then we are no longer friends because nobody knows what to say.

The truth is – you don’t have to know what to say. Yes, most people look at me like they want to cry and say “I’m so sorry.” Yes, thank you. I would also be happy to hear, “God that F-ing sucks ass.” Actually, I’d be happier because I’d be laughing. Yes, laughter happens when the chips are down – especially if it involves free shots. I don’t want to sit and talk about it all night either, but it’s sure nice to know that I can when I need to.

So for other mothers (or fathers) out there working so hard to make their life perfect, please understand my entry today. Trying to have it all doesn’t mean that life is perfect. It doesn’t mean you drive a BMW, have a new house or a remodeled bathroom. It means taking your punches and getting back up and never passing an opportunity that you want when it comes along. It isn’t a glossy magazine. Having “it all” is complicated and messy. It is living with AND and without fear. Because for better or worse is going to happen whether your toes are perfectly pedicured in Jimmy Choo shoes or not.

Join the Movement: M.S. Awareness Week is March 14-20!

Mad Hatter Tips for Domestic Juggling

 What worked this week…

 I have many nicknames. Most of them mean the same thing so I will tell you the nicest one – The Bulldog. I grab a project and I just don’t let go. This week I have been on the HUNT DOWN for duvet. I mean seriously, who knew this would be so difficult? One would think that duvets are cheaper because you already own the stuffing right? Nope. I have been to every brick and mortar store in the metro area. So I will spare you. More affordable stores like JC Penney and Sears have about two choices. Macy’s has about thirty different choices for $250-$400 a piece. I’m a practical sort of girl. Could I afford that if I REALLY wanted it. Yes (no going out to dinner though). My husband would be irritated, but he would get over it as long as I’m happy (because that’s just how he rolls). But I would be afraid I’d drool on it in my sleep or let my child scream and jump up on it for a pillow fight. However, when I voiced my annoyance on Facebook an old friend told me to go to Ebay. My first thought was to ask her why the heck she was buying used bedding items. HOWEVER, there are companies on there that sell the unused returns and over runs. Suddenly the hunt down got a little easier…on my husband.

Monkey wrench…

Again? Why is one single duvet more expensive than a huge comforter bed in a bag kit? Why?!

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